Tony Soprano

Have you ever seen someone so tormented by his life?  I have watched all the seasons of the Sopranos recently and find myself in awe of the spiritual/emotional depth of the writing and the acting.  Each character is caught up in his/her own drama, twisted by the lives they are lost in it. What is there to attain when you have paid every price, sacrificed every relationship, seen every interaction as an opportunity for a power grab?  I really hate to watch violence, but I can't tear myself away from this show.  Of course, that violence is within all of us; its just the level of violence that we disassociate from.  Tony wants to cut himself off from his feelings but he can't. This denial results in panic attacks, nightmares, the destruction of every relationship that means anything to him, and finally, a suicidal child.  His pain hits so close to home because he tries so valiantly to remove himself emotionally from his own self-destructiveness.  The more he tries to push it away, the more the world he has created closes in on him.  He has been able, through toughness and charisma, to attain power and wealth, but he can't escape his basic feelings of kindness, gentleness, and love for people.  So his actions go against what he really is. The deterioration of the soul by the ego, episode after episode.  Why does Tony Soprano's pain touch me so deeply?  The level of violence that this very sympathetic character is capable of....that same violence is in me.  I could not take that anger, that overwhelming feeling of isolation, to the level of violence that he creates, but is that true?  In his situation, what would I do?  I know that I am capable of some very hateful thoughts,  very venomous feelings against the people I love (?) the most.  How are we so different?  Only a difference in levels.  Really no difference.

Lesson 12 - I am upset because I see a meaningless world.

Unknown

I read an article today about Jean Seberg, the actress in one of my favorite movies, "Breathless".  The writer said she was "unknown and unknowable".  Well, that phrase really nails how I am feeling about myself.  I am unknown because I don't think anyone really has any idea of who I am (including myself) and unknowable - not in a mysterious way, but because I put up so many barriers to anyone having even a shot at knowing me.

Before I get too deep in this crap I need to see what a joke this line of thinking is.  I mean, why do I have this need to be known as someone unique, special?  Me with all these supposedly hidden talents, such meaningful thoughts that the world cannot benefit from, such an amazing person unknown and unknowable Its such a shame that the world is oblivious to my wonderfulness?  God!! I can't believe I was going down this path.

Who cares?  What difference does it make?  Why am I feeding my ego with these thoughts of separation. Poor me, nobody knows me. How funny it seems now that I look at it.  Give it up. I think I have a lot of work to do.  I think this is the work I was born to do. 

Lesson 196 - It can be but myself I crucify.

Life, again?

When the people I care the most about have problems (excuse me, who doesn't have problems?), I tend to feel very helpless and sad. I actually have an easier time emotionally dealing with my own problems than when thinking about theirs. It makes me realize just how alone we feel when we are troubled and unhappy. No one can really share in these types of feelings and that only makes us feel even more isolated.  We all dig great big dark holes and then have to dig ourselves out and no matter how much others want to help, it ain't happening.  I used to try to offer help, and beyond being a good listener, I can't say that anything I have done has helped much, if at all.  We each have to figure out how to make our way through this pain-filled world on our own and there is simply no answer external to our own minds Mind.  We can delay, project, deny, blame and all those other handy defenses, but eventually we must come to the understanding that this world is never going to make us happy or give us what we want.  I have found that when I am at my lowest, is when I can begin to be able to put things in perspective, and gain understandings about the meaninglessness of the things that I am allowing to upset me.  But I can't do this for anyone else.  This is a world of pain and unhappiness, unmet wants, and disappointments.  And we each have to rise above the battleground in our own way.

Lesson 25 - I do not know what anything is for.

Having Everything

I caught the end of a documentary on HBO about Maurice Sendak, the children's book writer and illustrator.  Sitting in a beautiful library of his lovely home, he was bemusing the fact that life seemed pointless.   At the end of his life, he was asking "What was it all for?"  "There must be more to life than having everything."  He said he was joyless, and it depressed him to think that the great artists and writers in the world only faced death at the end of it all.  No real ultimate triumph.

Apparently, in spite of having a brilliant career, meaningful long-term relationships, and financial security none of those things brought him lasting contentment.  He was despondent over the fact that he felt empty inside and could do nothing about it.  All of his thoughts express a deeply held fear of mine that I will still be clinging to the meager offerings of  this world at the end of my life as well, and wondering why it was never enough.  Hopefully,  I have found a way out in ACIM, but I must be willing to give up my investment in this little self and all of  its dramas that I enmeshed in.

Lesson 33 -  There is another way of looking at the world.

Wandering

After so many years looking for fulfillment in food, job, kids, acquisitions, etc.  I have come to the end of the road.  All these distractions are getting me nowhere.  I am wandering.  This is my life.  Not a physical wandering,  It's an existential wandering. What do I do next to fill the day?  When I was employed, all I could do was count the days until I got out of there.  Now I see that the counting gave me a weird kind of purpose.  No reason to count the days anymore.  So what now?  What are my goals?  I have lots of hobbies and interests, etc. but it"s not enough.  What do I really want out of life?  What the hell is my purpose?

I have studied A Course In Miracles since 1983 and yet I am still caught up in all the trappings of the ego's  world.  Going down so many different paths searching for something ephemeral, just out of reach.  Looking anywhere but where the answer is.

 

I have learned so much from studying the Course over the years, but I need to pull it all together and now is the time.  I am choosing the path that was chosen so long ago, but in doing so I have to let go of me and I don't really know how to do that.  This is my journey to free myself from my idea of who I am.  My identity.  How do I escape my thoughts about who I am?  By thinking?  That seems impossible.

I am going to use this blog as a diary of my journey home.  A journey without distance, so they say, to a place I never left.  I need help and help is so close.  I just need a little willingness.  This is an expression of my sincere desire to choose again. Help me.

Lesson 128  - The world I see holds nothing that I want.