Wandering

After so many years looking for fulfillment in food, job, kids, acquisitions, etc.  I have come to the end of the road.  All these distractions are getting me nowhere.  I am wandering.  This is my life.  Not a physical wandering,  It's an existential wandering. What do I do next to fill the day?  When I was employed, all I could do was count the days until I got out of there.  Now I see that the counting gave me a weird kind of purpose.  No reason to count the days anymore.  So what now?  What are my goals?  I have lots of hobbies and interests, etc. but it"s not enough.  What do I really want out of life?  What the hell is my purpose?

I have studied A Course In Miracles since 1983 and yet I am still caught up in all the trappings of the ego's  world.  Going down so many different paths searching for something ephemeral, just out of reach.  Looking anywhere but where the answer is.

 

I have learned so much from studying the Course over the years, but I need to pull it all together and now is the time.  I am choosing the path that was chosen so long ago, but in doing so I have to let go of me and I don't really know how to do that.  This is my journey to free myself from my idea of who I am.  My identity.  How do I escape my thoughts about who I am?  By thinking?  That seems impossible.

I am going to use this blog as a diary of my journey home.  A journey without distance, so they say, to a place I never left.  I need help and help is so close.  I just need a little willingness.  This is an expression of my sincere desire to choose again. Help me.

Lesson 128  - The world I see holds nothing that I want.